081 Love Is Not Humble

“Not entirely. I promised your father I would marry you, so I will marry you.” Li Bai poured himself a cup of tea, moistening his throat. The air instantly grew still.

“You should rest. Your wounds have not yet healed—drink less wine.” Xu Ziyan smiled bitterly as she left Li Bai’s room.

“Ziyan,” Li Bai suddenly called out, “thank you.”

Xu Ziyan turned back and smiled faintly. What I truly wanted was not your thanks. Yet, Xu Ziyan would never be able to say it aloud.

Chen Yage followed a servant to the guest quarters, her mind full of Li Bai. In the end, she could not resist returning once more to Li Bai’s room. She needed an answer—a word from him. If only Li Bai were willing, she would have fled the city of Xiangyang with him that very night. But she knew Li Bai too well; he was a man of principle—he would never run away.

With an anxious heart, she walked to Li Bai’s room, never lifting her head.

Li Bai sat at the table and watched Chen Yage enter. He set down his cup but said nothing.

“I came only to ask you one question.” Chen Yage sat down on a stool, glancing at Li Bai from the corner of her eye. Seeing he remained silent, she pressed on: “Do you love me?”

She regretted the question as soon as she asked it. It was a foolish thing to say, yet she so badly wanted to know the answer. Hearing Li Bai say he loved her would bring her such contentment.

“Does it matter?” Li Bai replied with a question of his own.

“Of course it matters. If you truly love me, come away with me. Let’s go to Chang’an. Let’s wander the world together, see every mountain and river. Don’t you love to write poetry? We could visit countless places, meet all the great poets—”

“Yage,” Li Bai interrupted her. “Perhaps I once dreamed of that life. But now, with comfort and power within my grasp, I long for peace.”

“Comfort and power. You could go to Chang’an, become an official, earn the emperor’s favor. That is your path. You shouldn’t confine yourself in Xiangyang. Brother Bai, come with me, please.”

Chen Yage gripped Li Bai’s hand tightly, but he shook her off with a sudden, angry gesture. “How many times must I say it before you understand? I told you—I will marry Ziyan. She is the one I love, not you. Long before I met you, Ziyan and I were already kindred spirits. I have always seen you as a younger sister. If you are unhappy here at the Xu estate, you are free to leave at any time.”

His words were like sharp blades, each one stabbing deeper into Chen Yage’s heart. Her tears were gone, but the pain was hers alone to bear.

Chen Yage smiled, meeting Li Bai’s gaze. He did not look away. In his eyes, she saw only coldness and indifference.

“So it was all in my own imagination? Was everything in the Peach Blossom Spring just a dream? Still, thank you. Thank you for waking me from it. From now on, you’ll be the Xu family’s son-in-law, and I’ll walk my own road. I am not your sister. Let’s pretend we never knew each other.”

Chen Yage had not expected to say such words to Li Bai, but she did not regret them. She loved him, but not with humility. If she loved, it would be with passion; if she let go, it would be absolute.

As she watched Chen Yage disappear, hollow-eyed, Li Bai crushed the wine cup in his hand. How he longed to run after her, to hold her, to say he loved her. But he could not. Perhaps he had erred. Perhaps he should never have let Chen Yage stay at the Xu estate. Watching someone outside the room walk away, Li Bai collapsed onto the bed. That person was surely sent by Master Xu to watch his every move. If he had not spoken so harshly to Chen Yage just now, who knows what Master Xu might have done to her. Li Bai could not bear even to imagine it.

When Chen Yage, lost and disoriented, returned to her room, she found You Huan and Dujuan laughing together. Seeing Chen Yage, they immediately fell silent. You Huan looked at her with concern. “Are you all right? You don’t look well.”

Dujuan added, “Yage, why are you crying?”

“I’m fine.” Chen Yage forced a smile. “Dujuan, I may not be able to stay here with you much longer. I’m leaving.”

“Where are you going?” “Somewhere far away. I’ll never return.”

“Why? Is it because of Brother Bai?”

“Dujuan, don’t ask.” Sensing Chen Yage’s heavy heart and her reluctance to speak, You Huan tugged at Dujuan’s sleeve. “Yage, if you really must leave, I support you. If you stay, I support you too. All that matters is your happiness.”

“But I’m not happy. I don’t want you to go, Yage.” Dujuan clung to her hand. “Since I was little, Brother Shao always cared for me the most. But now, he never will again. I can’t bear to lose you too.”

Dujuan began to sob, leaving Chen Yage at a loss. You Huan muttered, “Yage doesn’t want to leave. It’s your father who forced her. If he hadn’t tried to separate Yage and Brother Li, would she be leaving now?”

“Don’t jump to conclusions. It’s not as you think. Brother Bai and I are just siblings—” At the word “siblings,” Chen Yage faltered. “Siblings, just siblings… Huanhuan, look after Dujuan for me.”

Gently, she pried Dujuan’s hands away, smiling faintly. Without hesitation, she turned and left the Xu estate. Dujuan wanted to chase after her, but You Huan held her back.

The sunlight was unchanged, but for the first time, Chen Yage felt cold beneath it.

For the first time, she realized that though the world was vast, she had nowhere to go. To Chang’an? The mountains and rivers were far; the road too long. Most of all, once you have attachments, there is nowhere you wish to go.

At the street corner, she saw a beggar curled up on the ground, and thought of Yihu. Perhaps Yihu was still carrying out their plan, though now it was pointless.

Chen Yage went to the ruined temple, but it was deserted. She waited until noon, but still no one returned. Growing uneasy, she decided to search near the prison.

As expected, she found Yihu in an abandoned shack outside the prison. Seeing how hard everyone was working, tears sprang to her eyes—this time, not from sorrow, but from being moved.

“Yage, what brings you here?” Yihu crawled out from a hole, beaming at her where she stood outside.

Chen Yage quickly wiped away her tears and grinned. “I’m here to check on your progress. You haven’t been slacking off, have you?”

Little Shizi poked his sharp head out from the hole too, shouting, “How could we dare? We’ve been working day and night. Come take a look—see if it’s good enough.”